First paragraph (Teaser):

The private conversations of Dick and George

Rest of the text:

Go Fish with Dick and George

What follows is a transcript of the conversations between Dick and George, during their Wednesday night "Go Fish" game. It should be noted that George prefers to play with a poker deck, rather than an official "Go Fish" deck of cards. So, dear friends, join me as we get the words straight from the horses mouths. Recorded with a microphone that looks like a piece of dried chewing gum, and is stuck to the bottom of the White House card table. And remember, George speaks with a Texas accent, although absolutely none of the siblings he was raised with do.

George- Hi, Dick. Yer late.

Dick- Yea, well, I had to take a call from Halliburton. They're wondering when we're going to give them Iraq.

George- Hell's bells, we told 'em they could have it by the first of the year. What's the big all fired hurry?

Dick- Well, they want to get a jump on GE and the rest of 'em.

George- We told 'em they could have it, and we'll keep our word. First we got to kill that son-of-a-bitchin' Saddam, and put in a friend of ours to get the place set up for us. Then Halliburton can go in and wring the place out like a wet rag for all I care.

Dick- You know, I owe 'em, big time. And if we don't hand over Iraq by January, they plan to keep the 100 million they were going to put in my Swiss account. I took this job for one reason, George, and one reason alone, and that was to hand Iraq over to Halliburton. I can't stand the American people, and I never could. Public service is bullshit. I better get some serious cash for this whole Vice President thing, or I will be one pissed off Dick Cheney.

George- Yea, Yea, Yea. All you can talk about is Halliburton and Iraq. Christ, Dick, you need to get a life.

Dick- Halliburton is my life.

(Dick sits down at the card table across from George. Dick pulls a deck of cards out of his vest pocket. George eyeballs the deck suspiciously.)

George- What's that?

Dick- It's a deck of cards.

George- Ohhh no you don't. We use my cards. We play with my deck. I'm the president and I get to choose decks.

Dick- Ok. Ok.

(George pulls a deck of cards out of his shirt pocket. Dick eyeballs the deck with suspicion. George deals the cards)

George- You know, Dick, I've got an idea I want to float past ya. What do you think about the idea of preemptive pardons? Got any eights?

Dick- Preemptive pardons? And why do you get to go first? You dealt the cards. I'm supposed to go first.

George- Right, preemptive pardons. I want to go ahead and get some legislationable stuff passed to allow me to pre-pardon anyone we work with. If we can pre-pardon our staff and operatives, we can pretty much write our own ticket. And I'm going first because I'm the president and you are my vice. Now, do you have any eights or not?

Dick- Go fish. And we already wrote our own ticket. We handed money out to every friend we have. Billions and billions. But as for pre-pardons, I think that's a hell of a good idea. Got any threes?

George- Go fish. Well, we need to make it happen. But we'll have to come up with a spin on it. We can't just call it pre-pardons. We could call it "plausible pardonability." Got any Queens?

Dick- Go fish. No, that would never do. We need something else. Something with a good hook to it. How about calling it, "Homeland Patriot Pardons." Or, "The Axis of Forgiveness." That would get the religious idiots on board, and then we've got it made. Got any aces?

George- Go Fish. Next we need to figure out how we can get that video tape the DEA shot of me and Jeb buying those two keys of coke from Barry Seals. You see, that's the reason I can't run with an anti-drug platform. I'll tell ya, Dick, if that video ever gets out, Jeb and I are finished. Got any fives?

Dick- Go fish. Well, we need to locate the agents involved and make them disappear. Got any eights?

George- We already did that. Hey, I just asked you for eights and you said you didn't have any.

Dick- Yea...well...so what?

George- So what? So what? Listen buddy, unless your last name is Bush, you had better play by the rules. Got any twos?

Dick- Go fish. No, the last thing you want anyone thinking about is drugs. Hell, we just put the worlds largest poppy fields back into production in Afghanistan. We flooded the world with heroin. The last thing you want anyone thinking about is drugs. Wall Street needs that cash. If the drug trade goes under, Wall Street goes under. And we also need to keep the blacks in prison. We have got to keep the crack and the smack flowing, or the blacks will rise up. We gotta keep those black bastards locked up. Make 'em all criminals, or they will shove us off the heap. Thank God for Clinton. He put more blacks in prison that any president in history. And those fools love him. Got any twos?

George- Shit, Cheney, you just told me you didn't have any twos. What the hell is up here?

Dick- Sorry, I was mistaken. Or, I misspoke. It was an accident. Pardon me. Got any fours?

George- Go fish. Yea, them blacks. You know, I did my share when it comes to killing blacks. I killed well over a hundred of them as Governor of Texas. Damn it, if every white man followed my example, we could come up with a final solution to the black problem. I don't know how many Pappy and his CIA crack team got. Hell, they must of killed 100.000 or more with that shit. I guess if he can help kill two Kennedys and Martin Luther King, then he can take care of a few blacks (laughs). Well, I'm glad they engineered AIDS to take care of them bastards. I mean, sure, it'll take out some white trailer trash, but nothing like the blacks. Hell, we'll have Africa to ourselves in another twenty years. We'll make Colin Powell the king of Africa. He'll do what he's told. Got any Queens?

Dick- Go fish. Maybe so. But I don't think we should get rid of them all. Who's going to do the dirty work. You can't get white people to work for nothing. And that frickin' reparations crap. What a hoot. You don't really think GE, Exxon and the rest of them are going to stand around and loose their janitors do you? We'll force march them straight back to Africa before we pay 'em a dime. Just like we did the Cherokee. Got any eights?

George- Go fish. Well, Dick, if we can just hold on for two and a half more years, I'll pardon everyone we know. Including ourselves (laughs). But, you know, they don't have the balls to come after me. The CIA will take out anyone who screws with a Bush. We run the CIA. We are the CIA. Why do you think Gore didn't want to screw with me? Sure, I'm an insider trader. Hell, how do you think the game works? I mean, my family will only invest in a company if we have their promise to contact us before the stock tanks. If they won't do that, we won't invest. And if they screw us, they will suffer a lethal plane crash (laughs). That's just the way it works. Got any eights?

Dick- Go fish. Yer preachin' to the choir when yer talkin' insider trading. We had a policy at Halliburton that we always contact our big investors prior to a dip. You can't keep big investors if you don't keep them informed. That's just how the game's played. Got any Jacks?

George- Go fish. Yea, well, there's two different sets of rules. One set covers the American people, the other covers the rich. We let them take it in the teeth, while we take it to the bank (laughs). Got any sevens?

Dick- Go fish. I can't believe how you were able to pull off the warrior thing. You were AWOL for one year snorting coke, and now you run the Armed Forces. That cracks me up. Got any eights?

George- Go fish. Yea, well, one of our operatives cleaned out those files. The American people will follow anyone, anywhere, to keep from having to walk to work. We run the oil, and they let us do what the hell we want. That's how it works. As long as the oil keeps flowing, a Bush can do anything he wants, anytime he wants. I want to tell you a little secret, Dick, the American people don't see anyone else in the world as humans. They see others as less than human. And they don't loose a bit of sleep if you drop bombs on brown skinned babies. Pappy told me that. If you give them what they want. Give them oil and color TV's and a shiny new car, then you can kill with impunisity. Got any Queens?

Dick- Go fish. Hey, what about Hillary. Have you seen her new look. She's got her hair pulled back, and she's wearing different clothes now. She's got that Hellen Keller look. Got any eights?

George- Go fish. Yea, she's alright. She does what she's told, just like Bill did. You know, I like a woman with a big ass. But I hear she doesn't put out. Got any nines?

Dick- Go fish. So, what are we going to do about Enron and Kenny Boy.?

George- Well....we'll stall the whole thing long enough to give him a pardon. He's got the goods on all of us. We either protect him, or take him out and kill him. He's such a good friend, it would kind of bother me a little to have to silence him. But, business is business. Got any Queens?

Dick- Go fish. Yea, it would be the shits to have to silence Kenny boy. It sure wouldn't be anything personal. Hell, George, he knows that. Shit, I must be the only one in Washington who didn't get a big chunk of the Enron booty. Oh sure, I got a little, but nothing like you. Got any tens?

George- Go fish. Your last name isn't Bush. We always come out smelling like roses. Hell, we financed Hitler and helped him build the concentration camps. Except for Auschwitz. I think Rockefeller built that one out of his own pocket. We got Remington to arm the SS Troops. We created a shipping line to feed the Nazi war machine, even after the war was going strong. I'll tell ya, Dick, there's good money in gassing Jews. Those were the good old days. And they still kiss our feet down there in Israel. Even though we helped kill millions of them. Talk about a race of idiots. We gutted Poland before Hitler went in and finished them off. Then we brought the SS rocket scientists and their SS handlers back over here to create NASA. Of course, there are no ovens for cooking Jew slaves at NASA (laughs hard, almost falls out of chair).

We do what the hell we want, Dick. Shit, the Mafia tip toes around us. We took the drug trade away from them and funneled it into Wall Street, through offshore shell banks. We legalized nearly all of the Mafia accounting schemes and mainstreamed them into Wall Street. Pappy helped kill the Kennedys. My brother Neil stole over 100 million, and didn't even get his hand slapped. Jeb cuts every deal he can in Florida, not to mention handing me the election by breaking every law on the books. He'll sleep with anyone for a buck. Man, we do what the hell we want to do. Pappy ditched his plane in WW2 and let his crew die. He killed them, and walked away claiming to be a hero. You have your Midas touch, and then you have the Bush touch.

Man, you wouldn't believe what it feels like to do anything you want, Dick. And I mean anything. I've had the DEA video me and Jeb buying coke from the biggest dealer in the world. And I walked. I've killed blacks that I knew were innocent, and I walked. I took money from the terrorist Bin Laden family. And I walked. I sold stock several days before it tanked, because I was on the board and new it was going down. And I walked. I was AWOL for one year. And I walked. I gave billions away to my friends when those towers went down. And I walked. I spent years snorting coke and screwing whores. And I'm still married (laughs harder).

As long as I keep the oil flowing, me and the rest of my family can do anything we want. The American people know I'm a crook. But lets face it, as long as they aren't inconvenienced at the gas pump, they would let me cornhole the family pet on their front porch, and they wouldn't say boo about it. America has no soul. My dad and his friends took that away when they killed JFK. We own this country. We run it. We're like gods, Dick, gods. When you reach the position we have, the rules don't apply to you. We need alot of room to get the job done, and we get it. We own more Judges and cops that New York City. Hell, we own the supreme court for God's sake. Got any Queens?

Dick- Oh shit, look at the time. I've gotta get out of here and make my nightly call to Halliburton.

George- OK, Dicky Boy. I guess I'll see you later.

Dick leaves the White House card room running full bore for a secure phone. George gets up out of his chair and walks to the restroom. He closes and locks the door behind himself, and then reaches under the cabinet for his wife's old Victoria's Secret catalog. He unzips.

Got any Queens?