Many critics of recent International Summits have complained that protests at the events have been covered as if they were hockey games rather than forms of political protest. Here is a satirical glimpse of Summit coverage of the near future, the June 26 2002 G8 Summit in Kananskis Alberta.

Summit Night in Canada

Gabby Host: Welcome to Summit Night in Canada to all the fans at home. You can cut the tension with a knife on this beautiful sunny June 26th morning in Ottawa, Calgary and Kananaskis, as exploiter and exploited prepare for the grudge match that summit fans have been waiting for since last year at the Genoa G8 meetings where the forces of order shot and killed Carlo Giuliani.

Smiley Sidekick: That’s right Gabby, and both anti-capitalists and civil libertarians really thought that a penalty should have been called on that play.

Gabby Host: Well Smiley, what those players forget is that the RULING class makes the rules. And the rules are that the defenders of order can use whatever force they feel is necessary while the challengers must be completely passive or face the full brunt of the law.

Smiley Sidekick: And you can bet we will see that force being applied today as we prepare for a back-to-back double-header in Ottawa and Calgary. I spoke with the G8 chairman, Jean Chrétien last night and he told me that all the proper precautions had been taken by his team to ensure that no terrorists could disrupt the proper functioning of his team’s strategy.

Gabby Host: What terrorists groups was he referring to?

Smiley Sidekick: He didn’t mention any groups by name. Most observers agree that this vagueness is part of Chrétien’s crafty strategy. The more that he can get people to identify protestors with terrorists, the more difficult it will be for the popular classes to go on the offensive and challenge the dominant position of the ruling class and its representatives at the G8.

Gabby Host: You’ve got to hand it to the ruling class. They are truly the masters of misdirection!

Smiley Sidekick: Well, you don’t keep the title of world champions for as many centuries as they have without picking up a few tricks along the way.

Gabby Host: On the protestors’ side I interviewed a member of the
Bikesheviks Vélorutionnaires (http://www.alternatives.ca/stages/finalfuretez/bike/index.htm) affinity group which is biking from Montreal to the "Take the Capital" (www.takethecapital.net) action in Ottawa. She admitted that her team had no chance to disrupt the G8 meetings due to their strategically isolated location in Kananaskis Alberta. Nevertheless, she said her team’s chances of success were high...

(taped locker room interview)
Bikeshevist: We’ve got a really good affinity group this year. We’ve got players with medical training who can deal with chemical weapons. We’ve got a lot of tactical experience. And this year we are working with our sister affinity group, the Bike Brigade (http://group.activist.ca/bike/), which is biking from Saskatoon to participate in Calgary protests.

Gabby Host: It’s a good thing that those bikers have medical training because I spoke to representatives from the RCMP and local law enforcement personnel, and they will be armed to the teeth with just about every weapon under the sun. To tell us more about the stormtroopers’ game plan we have Sergeant Pepper on live feed from Calgary. Good morning Sergeant Pepper...

(live)
Sergeant Pepper: GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! I love the smell of tear gas in the morning. Ha, ha. Just a little RCMP humour there gentlemen. Thanks for having me on the show.

Gabby Host: Our pleasure Sergeant. As you know, it is the policy of corporate media like our network to give plenty of air time to spokespeople of the police and military as well as the ruling class that they work for.

Sergeant Pepper: Be that as it may gentlemen, our intelligence sources tell us that the terrorist groups that we are up against have an extensive communications network known as "indy media" that spreads evil propaganda all over the globe.

Gabby Host: Well how is your team going to protect the ruling class from these ubiquitous opponents?

Sergeant Pepper: As you know gentlemen, I can’t go into any specifics because that would give away our game plan to the enemy. We need to maintain secrecy in order to protect both peaceful protestors, who have a right to express their views no matter how flakey and irrational they might be, and the leaders of the industrialized world who have a right to meet to decide how to ensure global prosperity and security. But I can tell you that whatever we will do will involve tear gas, lots and lots of tear gas. And pepper spray. And dogs. And rubber bullets. And I can also tell you that our troops are ready, we’re locked and loaded and we’ve got new batteries for our walky-talkies. Special thanks to our corporate sponsors, Energizer Bateries: The ruling class has the power because they are ENERGIZED! They keep going, and going, and going...

Gabby Host: And we keep going and going at Summit Night in Canada. Thankyou for your time Sergeant.

Sergeant Pepper: My pleasure Gabby.

Gabby Host: And we will have break to hear from our sponsors as well.
Talisman Energy (http://www.rabble.ca/news_full_story.shtml?sh_itm=5630aab1450bf31f4386ac...): The official corporate sponsor of our focus on the G8’s New Economic
Partnership with Africa. And Bell Helicopter Textron, proud sponsors of the war on terrorism, the war on drugs and the war on the poor. At BHT we’re changing the face of war! (http://www.bellhelicopter.textron.com/)
And when we come back we’ll have a live report from Ottawa where it appears a star player for the protestors, Jaggi Singh, has just been nabbed yet again. That has got to hurt the anti-capitalists.

Smiley Sidekick: Well Don, Jaggi was nabbed before the game started at APEC in 1997 and in the first period at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City. Remarkably, his team managed to pull things together without him. Their non-hierarchical and open democratic forms of organizing mean that the team can survive the loss of even a star player like Singh.

Gabby Host: So this one ain’t over folks. Back in a moment.